January 7th Friday

I think that I feel great and start to get up and clean and then I have to sit down because I lose my energy really fast. I somehow just need to find a way to build my energy again. I am sure it will just take time. I think I am ready for sharing time, but I am still so weak that it certainly scares me to see what the out come will be.

While I have been trying to get better an still having to lie down a lot to keep going, I think a lot about all those people who have life so much different than I do and are sick with so many illnesses, and they have to stay in bed for months or even years. I realize that my complaints are so minuet compared to others. And yet being sick makes you realize how blessed you are in your life. I love all my children so much, they can't even comprehend how much, and they will never understand until they are all blessed with children of their own. My husband is so supportive and so loving that I wouldn't survive without him, I can't possibly imagine marrying someone else. I think about the guy that I dated before my husband came along to save me, and my heart shutters. I knew in my heart I would never marry him, but I also felt like I could change him. I dated him for over 1 year. Birthdays, Christmas and other things would come and go without a whole lot of great presents or things from him and yet I would try to make those things special for him. It seemed like I was always finding ways to see him. I would invite him to things. I would get my brother to double date and then I would call him and have him go with us. I think at the time I was not thinking straight, may be because I felt like I needed a boy friend. He was younger than I so he was still in High School when I graduated. He asked me to the Sweetheart ball. I thought I was in heaven. I had a great time, and certainly thought things were going to change. He asked me to Senior day which was part of going to a dance, then dinner, a movie and then breakfast. He asked me a couple of months before the dance. A week or so before the dance he called and cancelled. And yet time went on and I still thought I liked him. So once again I called and he did a lot of things with me. Because they weren't really dates at times I would pay. I guess back in my mind I knew he was dating someone else and yet I still was convinced I loved him. I knew he wasn't the kind of guy I would marry. His church attendence wasn't always what it should have been. He wasn't dedicated to the gospel of Jesus Christ the way I wanted him to be. He would sometimes swear, but not around me, he drank cola drinks which I did not believe in. He wasn't planning on going on a mission even though his older brother was a missionary. He was not what I wanted in a husband at all and yet I convinced myself it would be OK to keep dating him. Time went on and soon it was Christmas again. He actually bought me things that I always expected he would buy me. He bought me some perfume that I loved and a Carpenter record. I was so excited. His mother called and asked me to Christmas dinner. I loved the time there. Suddenly we were sitting out in front of my house talking. He was telling me that we needed to date others and cool the all the time thing. I said you know what I have had it. I just want you to go your way and I'll go mine and this is over. I always tried to get in good with his family. I would take this guys little sister to the movie and out to dinner if this guy wasn't home. I was so blind. This happened in December. Then I saw my husband in our ward on January. I thought he was a cousin to the Craven family, but later found out he was a son. He had just gotten home from his mission, he had his welcome home when I was at another ward. Everyone announced he had a girlfriend because a girl played the paino at his welcome home. But in spite of it all, I still felt like I wanted to get to know him. Well a few months went by and even though I saw him at church I never saw this girlfriend. But I did see the guy that I dated occassionaly he showed up at my house announcing a great score on bowling or just wanting to talk. In the mean time my brothers were using my perfume to make the fire in our fireplace larger. They disliked this guy and were very happy to let me know. I should have listened to them in the first place, especially my brother that was a returned missionary. It is interesting how in tune my family was. Before I knew it, a miracle happened and I was engaged to my husband, trust me there were times that my mom would call and say stay where you are at, this other guy is here again. The Lord caused an unbelievable miracle to happen. I got rid of a guy that wasn't the right one for me, and my Father in Heaven sent me an unbelievable guy that was just right for me. I think that is why we were engaged and married so quickly. It was the right thing to do came so strong I can't even imagine anything stronger. There are times that you go through some difficult times in your marriage, if you don't have a loving supportive spouse things will do nothing but get worse and I'd hate to see what happened then. The other young man married a girl who was the right one for him. I married the guy that was the right one for me, and the Lord certainly took care of me. Through my prayers, scripture reading and things I could do to draw closer to the Lord, made me realize that I wasn't quite in the right place to receive who the Lord had prepared for me. I am grateful for miracles in my life and I am grateful for those who love and care about me. I am grateful for those who pray for me. I am grateful to be a part of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. I am grateful that I was born an raised in a wonderful family who never gave up on me even though sometimes I was stupid. I am so grateful to be who I am and that I married in to the wonderful family that I did. That all of my brothers and sisters are good people who strive to live the gospel and that my family in law are the same. All of my husbands brothers and sister strive to live the gospel. I can't thank the Lord enough for my life, it could have been so different. I don't think I had the slightest idea that I married such a good man. He loves me, but most of all he loves the Lord and because he loves the Lord so much he loves me more. He hugs me all the time and tells me how beautiful I am. Even at those times when I am not, when I was very pregnant with twins. He kisses me in front of the family and holds me when I need to feel safe, when I need to be told everything will be alright, when I just need some reassurance, when I need to know that he cares. He reads his scriptures, says his prayers daily. He attends the temple weekly, he serves so many people. He is constantly scraping peoples walks in the winter. He does construction work for those in need, he serves his parents and mine because he is always there when they need him. He takes care of his parents by going by to see them a couple of times a week. He strives to keep the house clean when I am sick, he fixes meals. He cleans the kitchen when no one else in the home feels like doing it. He is constantly trying to do help anyone he can. He loves his children, prays for them, fasts for them and keeps a pray in his heart for them. He is constantly concerned about them. He is a good man and I am so glad that he is my eternal companion.